I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
