totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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