he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
