Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
