I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
