i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i believe in u and ur pee
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
