I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
