go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
