Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
