end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
