yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
