Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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