Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
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We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
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Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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