Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
