apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
