i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
