I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
