i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
