he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
