so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
