Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
