Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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