Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
