Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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