when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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