Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
