Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just invented taco cereal.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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