There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
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He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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