Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
