If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
