Already got asked if we're dating
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
