at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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