my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
