it's too hot outside to masturbate.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
