dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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