yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
