my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
