You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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