You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
