she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
