so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"