I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together