Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I wish I only lived at night.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
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My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
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I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.