while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey