have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
