I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
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Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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