Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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