Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.