This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
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I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
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Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.