I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
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please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
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Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?