You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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