We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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