Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
