He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My hand turned me down
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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