i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
