I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
